“Pan” crashes in ridiculous, dull origin story

Everyone knows Peter Pan, whether through a play, a bedtime story or one of many movies, from Disney’s 1950s animated favorite to “Hook” to “Finding Neverland.”

The one thing you should know about “Pan,” the latest film take on J.M. Barrie’s book is about the boy who won’t grow up, is that it’s not good. This decision to give the lad an origins story offers almost nothing of value. It’s not only unnecessary, but also totally irrelevant. The only manner in which it will remind you of the bedtime story is in its power to put you to sleep.

“Pan” is a giant-budget, muddy-looking 3-D extravaganza full of computer-generated special effects, design ideas that remind the viewer of clips from “Avatar”, and a performance from Hugh Jackman that is unbelievable. And when I say that, I mean that he plays Blackbeard, the pirate as an over-the-top showman, made up as something like a drag queen meets real queen.

He’s a dark-hearted killer in this PG-rated film (yes, the tone is odd for a so-called family film). He’s coated in black attire, accessories and wig, and looks as if he should be haunting the Victorian-era room in a local Halloween haunted house.

What, you thought the tale of Peter Pan was a simple, fun little story? Not in the hands of Hollywood handlers whose only employment of real imagination comes in dollar signs. They might even make a prequel on “the untold story of a timeless legend.”

But there will be no sequels when a movie is this ill-conceived. Not when the writing is this poor. Not when the performers are this miscast. And no amount of fairy dust can make it all better when Jackman makes his entrance as Blackbeard, joining in with thousands of “lost boys” who are his minions singing Nirvana’s “Smells Like Teen Spirit” to welcome him. The movie is watchable in the opening minutes, introducing young Levi Miller as our Peter, a London orphaned during World War II.

Why this era? The only apparent reason is so that Blackbeard’s flying pirate ship is forced to dodge German fighter pilots as it makes its way back to Neverland after plucking young boys away from a London orphanage.

It makes no sense at all, but the whole thing is fantasy-land goofy. Meanwhile, back in Neverland’s world in the sky, Peter and his orphan pals are dumped into Blackbeard’s mining industry, digging for the fairy dust magic. Let’s just say that Peter takes a fall that reveals his ability to fly, a secret even to the lad who’s about to learn his backstory and why his mother abandoned him a dozen years before.

The big secret: Blackbeard tells him of the Neverland fairies, whom he has oppressed for many years, and their old prophecy of a boy who can fly and who will lead a rebellion against him.

The movie is meant to be a grand adventure, but once we learn his origins, the movie becomes merely a collection of mayhem-filled set pieces, with giant wooden boats flying around at what feels like 5 mph and crashing into things. It’s yawn-worthy, and only gets worse.

There’s Garrett Hedlund, miscast as he usually is as James Hook, an older Neverland “lost boy” who will someday be Captain Hook, but for now, he’s Peter’s friend and co-pilot/captain as they seek to escape Blackbeard’s clutches and find the fairy kingdom. Hedlund possesses a deep voice, and as his rugged adventurer offers over-the-top deliveries of cornball dialogue and goofy flirtations to Rooney Mara’s Tiger Lily. He’s clearly doing an Indiana Jones impression but with the voice of Johnny Cash.

The movie  comes off as something like an accidental Elvis Presley impersonation, which makes sense when the entire film is a shipwreck. Or a plane crash. Or whatever you call it when a flying boat goes down.