Super Bowl snack review

Annual football fans and couch potatoes alike come together one day a year to yell at the TV, squabble with friends (who may become enemies by the end of the day), and most importantly, devour platters of delectable treats. On February 2, 2020, fanatics across the country will unite for this cause. Tables are loaded will trays of crackers, cheeses, dips, and various other snacks, designed for the common palette. As The Chefs who know nothing about football, we have decided that our talents are best put to use creating concoctions in the kitchen. For this issue, these include cheap pizza, spicy cheddar cheese spread (with many crackers), “Cheese Mix 2.0,” inspired by Riley’s favorite family snack, and fire roasted buffalo chicken stuffed bread. As usual, we have plenty of opinions to share, dealing with the good, the bad, and the disgusting attempts of making edible party favors. 

The first food that we tasted was a Little Caesars pepperoni pizza. According to Today.com, pizza was the number one Super Bowl food in the state of Michigan in 2019. Therefore, we decided that purchasing an inexpensive, shareable pie was the best option to sample this food that so many find to be a delicacy. “A Little Caesar’s pizza is like a wooden wheel; its got spokes, and it does its job, but not well. There are many other better options available,” said Chef Sam. Riley agreed, saying, “Compared to other cheesy choices, this was subpar at best; the cardboard-like quality crust was far from superior, as was the ketchup-like sauce spread that was undoubtedly made from canned tomatoes.” Overall, we ranked this as 4.34 stars out of 10, as it could be vastly improved. Sam’s final comment is as follows: “As a child, I never thought I would spend my days biting into straight oil, but it turns out I was wrong.”

Our first homemade treat is called “Cheese Mix 2.0,” and is a recipe of our own creation, inspired by Chef Riley’s childhood. In this mixture, there are Cheetos, Xtra Cheddar Goldfish, Cheez-Its, and cheddar popcorn. The original does not include such extensive efforts to include unnecessary amounts of fake cheese, however, the Super Bowl requires more aggressive means of consuming processed particles. “It is crucial that the taster enjoy all four parts together, or the experience will not be half as worthwhile,” stated Chef Riley. Combined with varying cheddar-based flavors, this offers people the opportunity to explore typical snacks in a new way. Diverse cooking techniques have allowed the cheese powders to penetrate the different mediums by which they are delivered, providing intense flavor for the consumer. Chef Sam added, “Although I do not enjoy Cheetos, due to the fact that they remind me of styrofoam, I thought the complexity of the different cheeses offered to me created an experience that conjured up images of sixth grade, when my friends and I would sit in social studies class, eating cheese balls.” We rated this at 6.1 out of 10. 

Our next endeavour was the making of what some call “spicy cheddar cheese spread.” Realistically, due to another miscalculation while shopping for ingredients, we would name this as “chunky monkey cheese spread.” Unfortunately, we purchased shredded cheddar cheese, as opposed to grated, creating a dip that was, in fact, chunky. Sam had this to say about the spread: “Have you ever been to Oklahoma on a calm summer day, specifically July 13th? Well, if you haven’t, you should know that I haven’t either. Instead, I will be referencing Connecticut for the remainder of this quote. Connecticut in June smells like the inside of White House Black Market; this dip mimics that, but spicy (literally). Thanks to the cayenne and paprika, it was delicious.” Senior Jule Hattig shared her opinion: “The addiction is real; if you start with one, you can’t really stop until the cracker box is empty.” In simpler terms, Riley concluded, “It was quite tasty, and addictive, especially paired with Club crackers–not Wheat Thins.” Together, we rated this as 8.89/10, as it is superior to all others tested for the occasion. 

Our final and boldest attempt at cooking Super Bowl snacks was the buffalo chicken stuffed bread. This included shredded grilled chicken tossed in a mixture of ranch dressing, medium buffalo sauce, cream cheese, and cheddar jack cheese. Many people admire the unique, tangy taste that different buffalo-flavored creations offer; this snack, under no circumstances, should ever be compared to such a traditionally delicious, savory experience. This bread served as a rude awakening to the challenges that come with using spices and concocting food from scratch, rather than getting Buffalo Wild Wings carry-out wings. However, Riley’s senses were most alarmed not by its taste, but by its texture: “It had the appearance of shredded Friskies’ cat food, smelled like week-old leftovers, and had the consistency of rubber that disintegrated more as you chewed it.” Sam added, “I didn’t even know there was meat in it. The texture was that of frozen sour cream, but that probably would have tasted better. I give this a .05 out of 10 for disrespecting my taste buds”. We ranked this at a .46 overall due to its shortcomings in all of the crucial critiquing areas. “If this bread was on TV, it would be the most recent season of Grey’s Anatomy,” concluded Chef Sam.

On this pre-game adventure, we learned that despite our immense lack of understanding of football, we also do not excel at cooking specific snacks for this annual event. Can we follow a recipe? No. Can we measure things? No. Do we even know what bread is? Not really. But did we try our best to select delectable treats and cook them according to their respective recipes? That’s debatable. We hoped to have more winning options from our selected snacks, but this was obviously not the case. But after all, we are first critics, then chefs, and have brought you our honest opinions on these treats in the hope that if you try them, they will be worth your while. As Guy Fieri once said, “I wanna be the ambassador to Chimichanga Flavour Town.” Our flavors may not have been good, but we were definitely ambassadors to something, and that’s what really counts in this game of kitchen Yahtzee.